Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
