she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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