So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
