ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Congratulations! We have a period
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
