broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize