oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
