everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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