got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
