She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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