Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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