if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
