...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
