God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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