the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
