i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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