Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
