You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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