the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You took a bar mat shot.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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