did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
