Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
