Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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