we have pet lesbian snakes
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
