I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
