It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize