Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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