I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
