"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
