Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
