i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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