my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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