I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
