I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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