Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
