Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
