Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
