Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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