saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
