Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
we're chasing vodka with high fives
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
