I have demons in me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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