i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
