Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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