No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Boobs are out for the taking
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize