i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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