Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
