My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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