Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
