i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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