I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think my vagina is haunted
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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