Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
