I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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