Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
