I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
