Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
