FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
