I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
