just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
