guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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