i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize